A Roach with Wings
by Griever-Evermore
Summary: All I had left of my Wings was a pair of blood stained dog tags, and a cheap plastic ring that you buy from a pinball machine. Two useless items that share no purpose once they've been obtained. They are both on chains that hang around my neck weighing me down with such a heavy burden. The tags have blood on them, so I wear them in my shirt. It hurts to look at them. Revised
1. Prologue

**A Roach with Wings**

"This has to be Bittersweet…"

Day: 98, 1:06 a.m.

Gary "Roach" Sanderson

Task Force 141

Unknown

I would like to say that this story ends happy. I would like to tell you that I end up with my soulmate, and we have kids, and get married. I want so badly to tell you a happy story, but it would be a lie.

That kind of story doesn't exist for a guy like me. My story ends with me standing outside in the freezing cold rain, trying to drench out my sorrows with a cigarette, and cheap beer. My story ends with me finally coming undone

I stood there trying to light my smoke, but it proved to be quiet the challenge as the rain poured. I took a sip of my beer, and I felt its bitterness ease its way down my throat. It was no comfort, but it was the next best thing.

I was soaked from head to toe. I had a thin white shirt that was probably translucent at this point, and a pair of usually soft sweat pants that seemed to fall off of me. I was sure my body was some strange blue color, but I had a hard time feeling anything. I had not felt anything since…

_ Roach, I love you._

_ You should smile more, Bug._

_ Hold on. Helps coming._

_ I'm sorry…_

I twitched as a tear rolled down my face. It was uncomfortably warm compared to the rain that splattered across my face. I wiped it, unable to handle it. I tried to focus on lighting my cigarette, but it was soggy.

I tossed it over the edge, and drank down the rest of the beer. I tossed the bottle out into the parking lot, and rested against the railing. I began questioning how long I had until my buzz faded, and all the pain came rushing back.

It never stayed gone for long.

There was a series of soft clicks on the ramp, and they belonged to Dr. Jacquelyn Reed. I found myself sighing in annoyance, and instinctively reached for my cigarettes. I had three left.

Dr. Reed was pretty enough with her long blonde hair, and her silver-green eyes. She was tall and lean. She usually wore a nice blouse, and a pencil skirt with her signature black heels that she trampled up and down the halls in. She was pretty, and nice, but she was rather irritating when she talked to me. Mostly because she was talking to me.

I was hoping, if I stayed still she would just go inside, and leave me to myself.

She didn't.

"Gary?" She asked tilting her umbrella up just a little to reveal her startled face. "What on earth are you doing out here?"

She made her way over to me, and began sharing her umbrella with me. She seemed so innocent and soft. Not to mention worried about me.

I think that is why I hated her. She had what was stolen from me. My innocents. My heart. My love. She had it all, and mine was taken from me.

"I needed to clear my head." I said simply choosing to stare out into the parking lot, rather than look her way.

She nodded, but her look didn't leave her face. "You look like death. You should really go inside." She said pointing to the door as if I didn't know where it was located.

"My head still isn't clear, ma'am." I said softly, but she picked up on it.

She smiled at me. It was kind, and warm. It made me feel nothing though.

"Fair enough." She cleared her throat and leaned against the railing, her back facing the parking lot. "What seems to be bothering you?"

I pondered for a very long moment. It was silent with nothing but the rain to comfort me. She made it clear she wasn't leaving me alone, but I wasn't even sure where to begin.

"My story is long…" I said still not looking at her. "I don't know how to start it. Everything is jumbled together in my head."

"I've got time. Start where ever you want. That's to joy of it being your story." She said with a hum. "Start with what you are comfortable talking about. Do not force yourself."

I nodded, and I began trying to recall the beginning. Where it started. When it started. How it started.

I felt my words building in my mouth. I felt them building like I was about five minutes from insane word vomit. I wanted to tell her, I needed to tell her.

"I… There once was a Roach," I begin, closing my eyes feeling my brain go quiet for the first time in months. "And he had a pair of Wings…"

)-(

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	2. Fuck that New Guy

"Fuck that New Guy…"

Day 1, 12:45 p.m.

Gary "Roach" Sanderson

Task Force 1-4-1

Unknown

"Move your ass's!" MacTavish yelled in his rugged Irish accent. "Take those targets down, or I'll let Ghost use you for his target practice." He joked, or maybe he had been serious. It was hard to tell with him.

I turned to my partner, Toad to help him. He was busy firing at his targets. He was fast, and never missed. He was trained by the one and only Archer, who was one of the best shots in the fraction. Toad took down the rest of his targets, and then we begin cleaning our weapons.

I wiped the dust from my helmet screen, when Toad smiled up at me. "We finished first. Wonder what MacTavish is rushing us about."

I had glanced over my shoulder to look at MacTavish as he talked to Ghost. MacTavish did look unusually irritated that day, and I wondered if he had gotten yelled at by the general for something. However, just as I though this he smiled at something Ghost had said.

I liked Captain MacTavish. He was kind of like a bid teddy-bear. He had a kind smile, and despite being the captain he still managed to smell like whiskey. He was inviting, and friendly of all sorts. However he did look rather intimidating when angered.

Ghost caught my gaze, and lifted his signature balaclava to stick his tongue at me. He used one of this fingers to make it appear like he was pulling his eye down, and making a face at me. I flipped him the bird, and he acted as if I'd shot him.

MacTavish looked at him rather knowingly before looking back at his team. "Clean up, and prepare for a meeting, ladies." With that he left Ghost in charge, before heading inside.

Toad nodded knowingly before a soft chuckle escaped his mouth. "Told you something was up. He's probably going to force us to train with Ghost more." Toad shuttered at the thought.

I smiled at him before saying. "It's not that bad."

I had never been much of a talker, so I must have caught Toad off guard.

Toad set his rifle aside, and just stared for a moment before saying a rather distracted. "Yeah." He blinked for a second, and then scratched his chin grinning like a mad man. "I didn't know you could talk." He laughed at me before turning to look at his gun.

I'd never been too keen on talking. My father had seen to it that I knew my place in the world. He had been a cruel man, who couldn't stand me, and my mother. I think the night that he finally broke me was my birthday.

My mother had made a cake for me, and had asked me if I wanted a piece. I, being only five, couldn't really hide my excitement at the thought of having some cake. I started moving in my chair, and began twisting. My ADD began to take a hold, and instead of a normal human being, my father picked up his knife, and stabbed me in the arm.

I must have gone into some sort of shock after that because everything was relatively fuzzy. I remember my mother rushing me to the emergency room, and the police letting me play with their sirens while they talk to my mother. One officer even let me pet his search dog named Dotty.

The next day my mother packed us up, and moved us to my aunt's house in Manchester, where I met Ghost, and his younger sister Eve. Up until I'd met them, talking seemed kind of useless. I was also terrified that someone was going to try and stab me.

I glanced back at Ghost, who stood rather passively as he scribbled on his clip bored. I say his clip bored because he'd claimed it by scribbling a large skull on the back of it with the words 'Casper the Deadly Ghost' written nicely underneath it. Hell hath no fury like Ghost without his clip bored.

Ghost turned his face toward me, but I wasn't sure if he was looking at me or not. He had his damned sunglasses on again.

I looked away, and I felt my face grow a little warm. For the first time in what seemed like forever I was happy that I was wearing my helmet.

)-(

Toad walked next to me as we made our way to the rec room. He also made fun of me as we walked. "I can't believe you ran into the sliding doors." He laughed grabbing his sides.

I glared at him, but said nothing. I had been a bit distracted, besides that, it had been Ghost's fault. He had to call out my name, and cause me to lose focus. The only problem being, that my body didn't really follow my brain, and kept walking causing me to face plant into the door.

Everyone laughed, even Ghost chuckled at me, before telling me that my shoe was untied. I flipped him the bird again, because he deserved it for that one.

"Man." Toad said after he sobered up from his laughing fit. "I really hope MacTavish doesn't assign more training sessions with Ghost. I don't think I'll be able to survive it."

"They can't be that bad." I said softly still feeling a bit of ringing in my ears.

Toad looked at me, and gave me another soft chuckle before saying. "Easy for you to say. MacTavish will probably assign you extra sweeping duty. He takes it a bright side easier on you than the rest of us, Lieutenant Ghost included."

I pulled my helmet off and gave him a look.

Toad sighed before shrugging, and pushing the doors to the rec room open. "Never mind."

I paused letting the door swing shut. I thought about MacTavish, and wondered if he'd ever favored me over anyone else. I could recall a time when a group of us got caught sneaking off base to have a go at a local bar. I'd been so smashed, that I even upchucked on MacTavish as he was giving us a lecture. I remember waking up in his office, with him giving me a cup of coffee, and telling me I was on kitchen duty with Lenny for a week.

I'd never put much thought in it, but he'd taken everyone else out for a 5 mile hike, for at least a month before finally letting them off with only a minor lecture. I didn't have to go. He never even talked to me about it after that.

That wasn't the only time either. I could recall lots of other times that MacTavish let me off easy, and made other suffer the full extent of his wrath. The more I thought about it the more it unnerved me.

MacTavish was just nice right. He'd do the same thing for Scarecrow, or even Meat right?

I looked through the glass of the rec room double doors, and glanced at MacTavish. He fiddled with his paper work before laughing at something someone had said.

I felt my face go red a little. He had to just be nice. There was no way someone like him could ever-

There was a chuckle from behind me, and I jumped a little, startled by the sudden noise. I turned around quickly to see Ghost standing there waiting on me.

I gave him a questioning look, and he simply smiled at me from behind his mask, making a shooing motion with his hand.

When I didn't catch on he sighed, and simply said. "You are a hopeless bug."

"Bug?" I said as he turned me around, grabbing my shoulders.

"Yes. Bug." He said pushing me through the doors, and over to the last empty seat, which happened to be next to MacTavish.

I panicked, and twisted myself out of Ghost's hold trying to make a bee line for the back of the room. Ghost was quick, and grabbed me by the collar of my uniform, dragging me over to the chair. He plopped me down, and said very comically. "Sit. Good boy."

The men around me snickered, and I tried my best to hide my face. Red covered it, I was sure of it. Ghost however simply ignored them.

He patted me on the head and turned to MacTavish. "Reporting for duty sir. Let's get this shit over with."

I twitched a little, and Ghost simple applied more pressure to my shoulders, and told me to sit still.

I began tapping my finger nervously on my leg, and I found my legs shifting back and forth. I couldn't help it, and Ghost of all people knew that. I pled with my body to stay still. Of course that didn't work, and Ghost just chuckled at me. "Oh, Roach. What are we going to do with you?"

MacTavish chuckled at him before glancing up at the door. "Come on in." He said his Irish accent sounding louder than usual, or was it just me?

I turned to see man with brown hair. He wasn't tall, but he had wide shoulders, and long legs. He was an inch short than me, and he was a lot skinnier than me as well. His hair was a fluffy, and he had dark blue eyes that seemed full of life. He was confident in himself, but not cocky. I could tell by the way he stood, and how he walked. He didn't let the staring eyes of the Task Force unnerve him.

The man came to stand next to MacTavish, and smiled at everyone showing off his perfect white teeth.

MacTavish looked at his paper work before turning to him. "You want to introduce yourself?"

The guy shrugged and nodded his head. "I'm Ryan Stephens. My friends call me Wings. I am a former ranger, and I was asked to come here on the request of General Shepherd. Pleasure me be a part of the team." He said grinning at us, and I think then. That was my undoing.

)-(

When the room cleared out, Ghost made me stay put.

He couldn't do it like a normal person either. He held my shoulders down, and refused to let go no matter how much I twitched. When I'd gotten lose and was about to make a run for it he pushed me back down, and sat on my lap.

"Ghost! Get off!" I gasped out, trying to wiggle free from his hold.

"I can't Roach. MacTavish is got to talk with ya, and you keep trying to escape." He said simply before going back to doodling on his paper work.

"I wasn't trying to escape. If you'd just said why you were holding me down I would have-" I began but Ghost cut me off by shoving him clip bored in my face.

"I drew us." He said smugly, as he lifted up his scribbled on paper work to show me.

It was cute all things considered. It was a little cartoon styled roach. It looked a little lost and confused, but it held out its little roach like foot, and held the hand of a chibi sized Ghost. It was cute, and reminded me of Ghost's drawings in school.

Believe it or not, I once had Ghost entered into an art school. However, he missed his orientation and somehow found himself compelled to sign us both up for the military. Most people would have been angry, but I wasn't.

"It is nice. I like it." I said mesmerized by the picture, but he quickly pulled it away and looked at it.

"I've done better." I thought I heard him say, but he quickly turned back to the table and began doodling again.

MacTavish came back in with the new guy in tow. "This is Roach. Roach you know who this is- Ghost? Why are you sitting on him?"

Ghost looked up from his doodle for a split second, taking in his surroundings and then looking at Ryan. He hummed, and then looked back down at his picture.

"The target tried to escape. I subdued him without even using a fire arm. I thought you'd be proud." He said tapping his pen to his face.

MacTavish glared at him. "We said we wouldn't talk about the cupcake incident anymore."

Ghost shrugged, and began doodling once more. "You brought it up. Not me. I'm just doing my job."

MacTavish pinched the bridge of his nose, and began whispering repeatedly "If he wasn't the best member on your team, you could kill him."

Ghost seemed unfazed, and Wing's laughed at the display, which visibly made Ghost twitch.

MacTavish sighed and then turned to me. "Roach you and Wings will be rooming together. If the two of you can't stand each other by the end of the week then Wings can move to the east wing when they finish construction on it."

Ghost chuckled at this. "If they ever finish construction on it."

MacTavish twitched at him but chose to ignore him. "Is that fine?"

"I don't have a problem with it." I said gasping for breath, and Ghost took a little of his weight off of me. I mumbled a thanks.

Wings smiled at me, and reached out to shake my hand. I went to grab it, but as if on cue Ghost flung around and shoved his clip bored in my face again.

"You have a headset on now." Ghost said pointing to it with a grin, and I examined it rather closely.

"Wow. It looks perfect." I said trying my best not to get the wet ink on my nose.

Ghost looked up at Ryan as if finally noticing him. "Huh? Oh hi. I'm Ghost. This guy over here is Roach, but he likes to be called Carrot, because of his red hair. He gets mad when you don't."

Wings looked a little bit taken aback. "Oh really? Sorry about that Carrot."

MacTavish laughed at this, and I began hitting my head of Ghost's clip bored.

"I'll see you later for drinks. Alright, Carrot?" Ghost said taking his clip bored out of hitting range, and heading to the door. "Nice to meet you again… uh…?"

"Ryan." MacTavish said for him raising an eyebrow at him, grinning in spite of himself.

"Right. Ricky! See ya!" And with that Ghost exited the room leaving rather dramatically.

MacTavish chuckled as if he had remembered a funny joke before smiling at us. "Welcome to the Task Force Ryan."

Note:

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	3. Maps

"Maps that lead to you…"

Day: 16, 3:25 p.m.

Gary "Roach" Sanderson

Task Force 1-4-1

Unknown

Ryan was a mess. He wasn't a messy person, but he was so disorganized. All of his things were never were they should have been, and he was always searching last minute for things that should have been put away.

Ryan, who preferred to be called Wings, shifted around aimlessly trying to find his uniform shirt. It was a simple white shirt, but he had misplaced all of his other ones.

"Hey carrot have you seen my shirt?" He asked me as he came out of our shared closet.

He was shirtless with nothing one but his pants, which weren't even buttoned. His hair was wild from his short power nap, and his eyes looked a little sleepy. He looked… good.

I looked up from my book, and scanned over him trying to keep my face from turning red. "No I haven't."

He sighed scratching the back of his head. "What a pain? I sure wish my things would stop disappearing like this." He said turning around to look back in the closet.

I glanced at him while his back was to me. He had a pair of wings tattooed on his back. It was huge, and the wings stretched all the way to the small of his back. It was hard not to look at the wings, but I forced myself to look away.

It would have been rude of me to keep staring at him. Not matter how much I wanted to look. It could make him uncomfortable, even though I found it hard to believe that Wings could be uncomfortable. This guy would walk around naked if it wasn't frowned upon.

"You could barrow one of my shirts." I said softly, and he turned to look at me with wide eyes. "I have plenty."

"Hmm. Okay. Sorry about this Carrot." He said pulling a shirt of the hanger.

"It's Gary. Just call me Gary. Please?" I said setting my book on my lap putting a finger in my place.

Wings smiled sliding the shirt over his head. "Alright. Gary. That's a nice name." he said before tucking his shirt in and heading for the door.

"Button your pants." I said and he laughed at himself.

"Right sorry!" He said buttoning the pants in place before running out the door.

I sighed after he left. He was kind of a lot to handle at times.

After a minute or two of silence, I realized I need some sort of comfort. I stood up with my book in hand and made my way to Ghost's room.

)-(

Ghost's room was the easiest to find. Ever since we moved from our old headquarters into the almost finished building, his door was the only one that didn't look bright white. It was covered in old caution tape, and a sign that read on one side 'Enter at your Own Risk'. On the other it read 'Fuck off'.

When I stood in front of Ghost's room, I took notice that he had put his sleeping sign up. I hesitated at first, pausing my hand over the door. I felt kind of guilty for waking him, but I knocked anyway. I used our inside knock; which consisted of me knocking once, and then pausing for a second before knocking twice.

Ghost opened the door a few seconds later, and grabbed my shirt pulling me into his room. He shut the door swiftly, and locked it behind us.

I couldn't see a thing, I imagined Ghost had covered his windows in thick black tape, or possible paint. He shuffled around his room leaving me by the door. He switched his beside lamp on, and reveled his trashed room. His computer desk was flipped over, and his laptop was tossed aside currently off. The computer desk chair was tossed near his closet, and the door had a dent in it.

He looked a little disgruntled at my sudden appearance, and picked up his computer chair taking a seat. He rubbed his grey eyes with the palm of his hand, and gave a little yawn. His brown hair looked messy and tossed about, but he didn't seem to mind.

He was in rare form today. Most people have never seen this side of Ghost, and if they have they've never live to tell.

Ghost blinked tired grey eyes up at me. "What's up, Bug?" He asked me softly before offering his bed to me.

"Nothing. I just needed some quiet. I'm trying to read this book you gave me, but I can't get past the first chapter." I said shifting over to him, feeling a little bit guilty for bothering him. "I can't get through it. My attention span is too short.."

He pondered what I said, as if trying to remember what book he'd given to me. He motioned for me to come over, and sit on his bed. "Shut up bug. Give me the book."

He took the book from me as I sat down, and he leaned back in his chair, looking over the book. His eyes gave nothing away, but I knew that it was one of his favorites. After all he gave it to me.

I began to twitch nervously on his bed, and he sighed at me.

"Stop beings so nervous bug. I'm fine." He opened the book and smiled a little. "East of Eden. I love this book."

"Yeah... I don't understand it. It has taken me at least four days, and I'm only on chapter one." I said huffing as I flopped back on his bed.

His bed was warm, and maybe it was because it was Ghost's bed, but it felt so safe. I peeked at him from the corner of my eye, and he looked up at me.

I blushed, but he didn't seem to notice. "You just have a hard time focusing." Ghost said rolling his chair closer to the bed. He smiled at me. "Where are you again?"

"Chapter one, page 2." I said softly as I rested my head on his pillow, inhaling the scent of Ghost.

He opened the book, and began reading from it with a small smile.

Ghost was always this way. He was always soft towards me, and I felt privileged that he was willing to share this with me.

He looked up at me for a split second, and I looked away. Closing my eyes I listened to him read, until I eventually fell asleep.

)-(

When I opened my eyes, the room was dark again. I sat up startled and I gasped really loudly. If you'd asked me then I wouldn't have been able to tell you what I'd dreamt about. Now however, I could recall the nightmare as if I was living it now. I sort of am in a way.

Ghost flipped around to look at me. He had pulled his mask on, and now sat over by his laptop. He was probably trying to find more Intel instead of sleeping. I did take his bed after all.

He gave me a startled look, and used his feet to roll his chair over to me. "You okay, Bug? Bad dream?"

I took a deep breath, and looked over at him feeling a little bit glad that the lights were off as I felt my face heat up. "It's nothing. I-I honestly can't even remember what it was about." I said, and I thought I saw Ghost's face twitch up in a smile.

"Well… It's okay now. I'm right here, bug." He said and patted my leg before he began walking his chair back to his desk.

"Ghost… do you ever have nightmares? I mean… I just…" I trailed off feeling slightly embarrassed, but Ghost just turned around smiling at me.

"Yeah… I think everyone here does. If they say they don't they are a liar." He said with a nod of his head.

I pressed a finger to my chin and thought about what he had said. I rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand and asked him. "How do you deal with them? You know, in case I start remembering them."

Ghost who was back at his laptop paused in thought. He ran his fingers over his keys rather softly before saying. "I think of all the people I… uh need. Like you and Eve. I think about you guys, and it makes it okay."

I flopped back down on his bed, and yawned rather loudly before asking. "You need me?"

Ghost turned around as he pulled his mask up to itch his chin. He reveled a soft smile as he said. "Yeah bug. I need you."

)-(

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	4. How Roach got his Wings

"How the Roach got his Wings…"

Day: 37

Gary "Roach" Sanderson

Task Force 1-4-1

Unknown

The terrain was covered in a thick white blanket. I would think if you tried to step in it, you'd fall through, but that was only a guess. Scanning the area around us I saw that the place looked rather active, and I felt my chest tighten, and my heart began to beat rapidly.

I remember fearing for Ghost and MacTavish. They'd gone to retrieve the data for hideouts pertaining to a missile launch that was threatened by some Russian terrorists. Who would have thought Makarov would have turned out to be a problem?

I sat across from an 'abandon; warehouse with my laser-sighted rifle ready to fire when needed. Wings sat next to me, and he looked rather bored as he wiped his sight down once more. We were angled down and because our uniforms blended so well we looked like… well… ghosts.

I was covered in the melting ice, snow, and dirt. Normally I wouldn't mind, but I was starting to feel frostbite kick in. I was already worried about my friends, and now I had a soaking wet uniform touching my already cold skin. I hate snow when it melts.

I turned to Wings who seemed really bored. I noticed he'd been acting a little strange, and I wondered if it had anything to do with Superman's new found interest in him. I didn't want to pry into his business. I barely liked think about my problems, let alone his.

I opened my mouth to begin speaking my worries about Ghost, and MacTavish, but Wings cut me off.

"Do you miss your family Roach?" He asked me after he pulled his mic from his face. He looked at me with a small smile, but his blue eyes seemed darker.

I thought for a long moment and nodded my head. "Sure." I said rather passively hoping Wing's wouldn't press any further. I was wrong.

"Who'd you grow up with, eh?" He asked, this time his eyes where focused through his sight.

I was silent for a really long moment. I thought about telling him about my dad and how he was kind of a bad person. I thought about explaining my life story, and sharing with him how growing up with my mother had been a rather eventful childhood. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I didn't really want too. I twitched a little, and opened my mouth to say as much when the coms kicked back on.

"We retrieved the data. Head to evac boys. We are going home." He said rather gruffly and I wondered what had upset him so much. "Oh and Wing's. Carrot doesn't like talking about his family." Ghost snickered into the coms, but I could tell it was faked.

Something was bothering the man.

I quickly gathered my things, and began getting ready to leave. I stood ready to head out, but when I noticed Wings made no move to do the same I questioned the man. "Come on Wings. Didn't you hear Ghost?"

Wings turned around, and for just a second I saw a different person. Who I was looking at wasn't Wings, but something darker. Then suddenly as if he'd noticed me he changed. He smiled up at me, and rubbed the back of his head nervously. "Sorry… Must have spaced it."

I stared at him for a long minute before deciding to let it go. Maybe I had just imagined it. "Alright. Well let's go."

I began walking away, when Wings stopped me. "Do you hear that?"

"Hear what?" I asked but as soon as I said it, I heard the small beeping, and I looked down across the way to see a man standing there with a flash bang in hand.

The man threw it at us, and before I could even register what was going on a loud bang erupted into the air. My vision went white, and I begin to stumble around in a need to see. I felt a hand grab my arm, and I felt the sharp pain of a knife embedding itself into my shoulder.

I hit the ground with the thud, and Wings yelled. "Roach!"

I watched as Wings swept a leg out from under the man. He moved on top of the man as he began struggling with the blade. He took the upper hand quickly, and shoved the knife into the man's throat. The man struggled a little bit before he went still. His head fell to the side turning his cold brown eyed gaze at me.

Wing's stood up and wiped the blade on his white uniform. When he turned to face me he looked rather terrifying. His eyes were big, and he had a grin spread across his face "That was close." He said wiping his face off on his white uniform sleeve and rushed over quickly to help me up. "Let's go before they leave us, yeah?"

I nodded shaking a bit. He looked inhuman for a moment, and I wondered how safe I was with him around. I looked around to see that our path had been destroyed.

I looked over at Wings, who grinned, this time it looking a little bit more like himself. "Looks like the only way out is down the hole. You first?"

I sighed. "I'll go." I said walking over to the hole. "I'm probably lighter anyway." I said with a small smile trying to keep my fear deep within me.

Wings eyes widened. "Roach, your humor… it's so mean… but you made a joke." he chuckled a little before shrugging. "Alright I'll help you down."

I slung my rifle over my shoulder and grabbed Wings hand and began climbing down until there was nothing for my feet to touch. I let go and landed on my feet with a thud. The floor rocked a little bit, but I steadied myself and then I pulled out my sidearm began looking around. When I saw no one I looked up at Wings.

"It's clear. Come on down, but be caref-" I began but Wings leaped down without any hesitation.

I think the first two floors were the worse. However, they sort of numbed the rest of the fall. It felt like six years rather than three floors.

I hit my head and for a second everything went blurry. I honestly thought this was it. This was how I was going to die. And then I hit the floor with the small thin body of Wings on top of me.

"Ouch." I hissed out as a sharp pain ripped up my spinal cord. "You are heavier then you look." I said and Wings shot me a glare.

"Fuck off." He did however lift himself up on his hands and knees as he looked down at me. "You ok?"

"I had a glorious fucking trip." I said with a sigh and he grinned at me this time it reached his eyes.

"So… Same time next fall?" He asked and I resisted the urge to smack him.

I'm sure I would have been all smiley, had I been the one landing on him. I still gave him a little grin to let him know I wasn't upset with him.

Wings smile quickly turned dark though as he gave me a slightly worried glance. He placed both of his hands beside my face, and he squeezed his knees together which pressed my thighs closer together.

The worry in his eyes sort of through me off as he got a little closer and said "But are you ok, Gary?"

My eyes widened at the use of my name and I nodded my head quickly trying to make my point with my face rather than words.

I was wondering where MacTavish and Ghost where at this moment. I figured they'd be trying to contact us. That was when I noticed that our headsets had been flung off. Mine laid beside me, crushed and broken from a piece of ceiling. I shuttered thinking that could have been my head.

Wings head set laid a few inches away from mine relatively unharmed but no sound came from it. I assumed it was off.

Sometimes I wished I wasn't slow. I might have been able to see it coming. Maybe if I hadn't glanced up at the moment. If I'd stared at his headset a little longer instead of just assuming. If maybe I asked him to try and contact MacTavish before I turned back to him. This was the moment where I wish I could have taken it back. I wish this right here wouldn't have happened because maybe then I could have gotten transferred and then Wings wouldn't have gone on that mission with me. Maybe then I wouldn't have to watch my best friend die…

But instead I didn't look at his headset longer, and I didn't ask him to do anything. I turned back to face him, and his lips met mine.

I froze. He pressed his lips to mine, his eyes choosing to stay closed. I sat startled as his hands rested next to my face. He felt warm compared to the snow we'd been sitting in for the last hour. He was warm and so close… I felt my hands reach up tangling into his hair. My eyes closed and I felt my mouth open up. It was a strange feeling to be kissing him, but it didn't feel bad.

He's eyes were apologetic as he pulled back from me. "I'm s-"

I tried to shove his face to mine once more and he chuckled a little despite how sweaty he had become. He was nervous, and I had to wonder why. He pulled back easily, breaking my hold on him.

"I take it you like me too…?" He said but I could hear the questioning in his voice. He was just as unsure as I felt.

I opened my mouth to talk but the only word I could get out was, "Why?"

"Why what? Why did I kiss you? Jeez Roach, I think I kissed you because I like you." He said as he plopped on his butt looking rather confused at my sudden lack of words.

"Is that a thing that American's do?" I asked and he rolled his eyes before a grin came to his face. I felt my chest tighten a little.

"No… No, Roach, it's a thing that people do when they like someone a lot." He said resting back on his arms as he grinned at me.

He stood up suddenly offering me a hand. I accepted it feeling numb. My spin hurt, and I was pretty sure I had a concussion.

"Let's get going, yeah?" He asked, and I nodded.

I was about to reply when gun fire was heard, and then a nearby explosion that shook the building we were in. Wings looked around kind of nervously at the building.

"That sounded like Ghost…" I said feeling a little dizzy, and everything seemed to be a little blurry.

Wings gave me a look and dusted himself off. "Roach that was an explosion."

The door to the building was kicked in and Ghost and MacTavish waved them over. Well MacTavish waved them over, Ghost rushed over to me and began tugging me out of the building.

I glanced at Wings and grinned before letting the dizziness set in. "Told you it was Ghost…"

And Like Forest Gump, once said 'That's all I have to say about that…"

)-(

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	5. The problem with friends

"Problems with friends…"

Day: 190

Gary "Roach" Sanderson

Task Force 141

Unknown

I have bad social luck, and at this point in my life I've come to terms with it. It is still a pain in my ass, no matter how old I got. It just seemed that no matter how hard I tried, I was always going to be surrounded by idiots. At least they were the loveable kind.

I watched as Zach, one of the newer recruits stood next to Scarecrow as the older of the two tried to explain the ropes. Zach was fresh out of the Navy Seals. He was considered one of the best on his team. He was smart which he proved by outsmarting Scarecrow, who was trying to trick the man at every turn.

MacTavish checked out the data from our latest raid. His grey eyes were trained themselves on his PDA, and I wondered if he was secretly just trying to block the other two men out.

Zach put a hand on his hip and frowned at Scarecrow. "I don't think that's true. Archer doesn't seem like a bad guy to me. Sure he's a little rough around the edges but… I mean we all have our issues, ya know?" He said with a huff, and his face turned a strange shade of red.

Scarecrow continued on, completely oblivious to the man's sudden change in tone. "I'm not so sure. I think he's just old and grumpy."

I stood next to MacTavish, who chose to fiddle with his PDA. He leaned up against a nearby tree looking rather comfortable and normal for being in war zone. He was dressed in issued cargo jeans that had three pairs of issued dog tags that had been clipped to his pants. He also wore our issued jacket that was green, and it fit him rather snuggly. He had his mic up and his gun hung haphazardly at his side. He seemed rather relaxed for where we at, and if it wasn't for the rifle, and explosives strapped to his hip he could have been a tourist.

I thought about Wings for a moment, thankful that my helmet was on as my face began to heat up. I wasn't sure why Wings had ran across my mind at the time, but I still thought of him. He'd been a little strange since our kiss, and I wondered if he regretted it at all. He was constantly avoiding me, or at least that was how it seemed. We naturally didn't have training together, but if I tried to stop him in the mess hall, or even try to sit in the same room with him, he would make some strange excuse and leave.

I at first, was inclined to believe him. I just figured he was having some kind of personal dilemma. Maybe a family member was ill, or he was finally starting to feel the pressure of war and was trying to adjust. I didn't want to pry, but I didn't quite understand what we were. Boyfriends didn't usually kiss me, and then avoid me unless they were assholes. I kept thinking it had to be he was truly busy, but even still… shouldn't he tell me when something is bothering him?

Then there was the nightmares. Everyone was different, and new. Some nights I would wake to find myself alone in my bed, and him gone. I never asked where he went, choosing to simple let him have his space. However I was curious as any normal person could be. Other nights I would wake startled as he would give a rather fearful yell and fling himself out of bed. Every time he would leave, but I still didn't ask.

For the most part we had been good. We kissed and held hand making sure not to be noticed by the others. It was harder to explain it to them, and personally I didn't want any of them to know. The only person I knew could have possible guessed it decided to keep it quiet, only giving me knowing glances and soft smiles. That person was Zach.

I wasn't sure how he had discovered out little secret, and I wasn't even a hundred percent sure he knew. Thought he had to know something.

"Aye," I blinked as MacTavish's voice broke my thoughts. He slipped his PDA away in his sleeve and closed his eyes. His face reminded me of anytime he and Ghost were having one of their infamous bickering fights. He looked annoyed and I was half expecting him to pull his fingers to his nose. "Scarecrow, leave the lad alone. We lose more members from your jokes then in battle."

Scarecrow didn't blink, but a cheeky grin came across his face. He didn't say anything, but he did bow as if happy about what MacTavish had said. Scarecrow was one of our oldest members, but if you asked anyone, we would all tell you to avoid him unless you were trained. He had straw like blonde hair which never seemed to be brushed of kept neat. He had deep brown eyes which were always shiny with mischief and I was sure the only thing the man thought about was how to prank his next victim.

MacTavish rolled his eyes and pulled out a cigarette from his front pocket placing it in his mouth. He patted around for his lighter, but quickly gave up looking even more annoyed then he had before.

"I'm going to murder Ghost when I get back. Damn bastard never returns my lighter." He said leaving the cigarette in between his lips letting out a sharp sigh.

Scarecrow went back to messing around with Zach, who ignored him in favor of smiling at me. Zach was a little strange, but I felt myself growing to like him each day. He talked a lot, but he wasn't loud about it. He had a soft calming voice, which was strange for a man in his line of work. He had brown hair which was always cut short on the sides, and longer on top. He always had it styled and done up nice. He had green eyes which were always sparkling with curiosity and wonder. He reminded me of a kid with his innocent demeanor that never faltered on him.

After what felt like the longest minute in the world MacTavish stood up tossing the cigarette aside, not really caring that he wasted it. "Let's head out. Evac will arrive in ten." He opened his eyes wide, and stared at all of us. "No messin' around, got it? I've lost three others here today, and I want the rest of you asshats home. Are we clear?"

I nodded and Zach gave MacTavish a rather excited nod. Scarecrow just grinned and MacTavish rolled his eyes at us.

)-(

Zach huffed angrily at Scarecrow as we sat with the rest of our men in the debriefing room. Scarecrow just smiled at him as if completely oblivious that he was making fun of the younger man.

"… So then I look over and Zach is picking himself off the floor. Took 'imself a bullet to the vest. His face was hilarious." Scarecrow said laughing as the few others that sat around laughed with him.

Zach glared at the other man, but turned his eyes over to the only other person in the room he cared about. I watched as his green gaze shyly trained itself on Archer, and then I realized. He was in the same position as me. He was able to put two and two together base on what he was experience.

I looked over at Archer, who sat at the other end of the table appearing to be bored, but I could see in his blue eyes the worry he was feeling. Archer had thick black hair which was littered with grey hair from the stress of the job. He was one of our best snipers, and was also one of the first members to make it into the task force. He rested his head on his hand trying to appear bored, but his eyes gave Zach all the words he needed to hear.

Zach smiled once again, and it was brighter than any before it. Scarecrow looked a little taken aback when Zach simply stuck his tongue at him. "At least I didn't rip my jeans on a twig. Tell me, is the breeze nice on your ass?" Zach asked chuckling happily before deciding he'd had enough of Scarecrow's jokes.

I stared at him curiously, and Zach noticed this giving me a smile. I found myself thinking of Wings in that moment. Zach looked a lot like him, but that wasn't what made me think of him. I wondered how Zach did it. How me managed to feel so reassured by Archer's eyes, rather than needing the physical contact. The more I thought about it the more it bugged me, and I frowned.

Zach noticed this, but it was Scarecrow who asked as he tossed a hand over my shoulder. "You 'kay Roach?"

I didn't answer him, and continued to glare at Zach, not really meaning to. I stood up, knocking Scarecrow's arm off of me. He looked slightly startled, but I didn't really notice as I trailed my eyes over every face in the group. Where the hell was Wings?

I knocked my chair backwards as I left the room, making sure to shove the door open with a startling force. I made my way to our room, but found it empty. I searched the mess hall, and the library finding them completely vacant of the blue eyed male. On my way to check the shooting range I ran into Ghost, who looked slightly surprised to see me.

"Eh, Bug? Back already? I bet you came to see Eve." He asked scratching his face from under his mask before readjusting it to fit.

I glared at him for a moment debating on whether or not I wanted to ask him, or continue one with my search. "I'm looking for Wings. Have you seen 'em?" I asked him and he lifted his glasses giving me a curious look.

"Uh… Yeah. What did he do?" He asked, and I thought I saw a hint of anger pass over his eyes, but he slid his glasses back down before I could get a good look.

"Nothing. Well I mean… he did… b-but… Look can you tell me where he is?" I rushed crossing my arms over my chest, and Ghost laughed at me.

"Yeah. He's in the med bay." Ghost said flatly, and my eyes widened in surprise. "He's fine. Just got a little banged up. He got jumped by a group of guys today, and had Eve not showed up and took one down… well… I doesn't matter. He's okay."

I turned my eyes to the ground, and I felt my fist clench as anger filled my chest. "D-did you catch them?"

Ghost pondered that for a rather long moment, even going as far as to put a finger on his chin. "Yes. We caught them, but I'm not at liberty to give the names out. Might cause the man of steel some trouble, yeah?" He said the last part with a laugh before putting a hand on my shoulder. "I got to go. Got to go round up the guys for running. I'll see ya latter okay?"

I nodded and before Ghost could walk away I mumbled softly. "Thank you…"

He smiled back at me, but didn't say anything back choosing to just walk away. Of course Ghost would have so nicely giving me the information I wanted. He gave me the name I wanted and did so without questioning it. Superman was going to pay, but before that I rushed off to the infirmary.

)-(

I took a deep drag off another cigarette, and felt my nerves calm. "I didn't hurt him. I never hurt Superman. I wanted to though. I wanted to find him and beat him within an inch of his life. I never did though."

Dr. Reed nodded her head slowly as she leaned against the railing uncaring how dirty it was. She had abandon her shoes off to the side and didn't seem to complain as her feet slapped against the wet ground. I was starting to think she had once been a country girl before being a doctor. "Well that is understandable. I would feel the same way if someone hurt John like that."

I shot her a curious glance, and she simply smiled at me as if waiting for me to ask. "Who's John?"

She chuckled a little bit before turning away from me to look out across the parking lot. "My… boyfriend." She said simply and I knew that was all she would give on the subject. "So you were angry? What did you do after that?"

I sighed and took another drag off my cigarette. I was happy that the rain had finally stopped, but the silence was starting to drive me crazy. "Well I went straight to the med bay to see Wings. He was a lot worse than Ghost had lead on. He was covered in bruises with cuts littering ever part of his face and… well you know. You did the report. What I wasn't expecting was MacTavish to be there…"

)-(

Wings looked horrid as I ran my eyes over every inch of his body. He had one black eye, and a busted lip which made my blood boil at the thought of someone hitting him. He had cuts and scrapes here and there, but what was really upsetting was the gash on the top of his forehead.

He smiled in relief when he saw me and he reached out timidly. "Gary… I- It is not as bad as it looks." He said trying to comfort me but I hushed him with a glare.

"You are covered in wounds. Don't try to be a hero." I said as I leaned over his bed examining his face closer.

He glanced away from me, and mumbled an apology. We sat in silence for a rather long moment, and I reached for his hand only to have him dodge it rather slyly with a little chuckle.

I tried my best to hide my irritation, but he picked up on this and gave me a sad smile. I opened my mouth to speak, but he quickly beat me to it.

"It's not that I don't want too. I just… What if someone sees, ya know? I mean I already take heat because I'm American…" He added really softly and I couldn't help the sigh that came from my mouth.

I reached over to one of the nearby visiting chairs and dragged it over to the side of the bed. I plopped down in the chair, and I quickly reached for Wings hand again. He let me take it this time and I smiled at this.

"I know. I just… When I found out… I was so…" I trailed off trying to think of the word. "Terrified."

Wings smiled and it was reassuring as I rubbed my thumb over his hand. He leaned back in his bed and seemed rather at ease about everything. He blinked at me with his good eye and we shared a comfortable silence.

"Who told you I was here?" Wings asked after a long moment as he tilted his head ever so slightly to look at me.

"I ran into Ghost while I was searching for you." I said and I watched his face distort into a frown. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing!" He said quickly pulling a smile to his face, and I gave him a look.

"Look… I wanted to talk to you about something. You've got to stop running from me." I said and he quickly looked away from me, leading me to believe I'd hit a nerve. "I get that I'm not an easy person to talk with. I don't talk, and deal with my emotions is a whole other ball park… But I'm always here for you… I… Please stop running from me."

Wings stayed very still for a moment, and I just looked at our entwined fingers feeling a since of dread. Maybe now wasn't the best time for this? I'm and idiot.

He turned to me and I was relieved to see a small smile on his lips. "I know. It's just… I'm used to dealing with these things on my own. I always handled my own problems. I don't want to burden you."

I laughed at him and he blushed a little looking rather cute. "Ryan. I think I love you." I said and he smiled at me once again looking relieved.

"I love you too." He said a grin across his face looking almost like Cheshire cat.

The moment was ruined when the nurse made her way into the room. Wings let go of my hand quickly, shooting me an apologetic look and I just gave me a soft smile in return.

"Eh?" The nurse said as made her way into the room. "Captain MacTavish. I was wondering when you were going to get here. He's cleared for desk duty only. You are here to sign his chart right?" The nurse asked completely unaware of the world that she just crushed.

"Aye… That's why I'm here." MacTavish said as he stood in the doorway, and I felt my heart sink into my stomach. His eyes revealed nothing to me as he passively looked down at the chart and signed it. "Get better eh Wings?"

He left quickly after that and Wings grabbed my shirt sleeve panicked. "Did he see us?" He whispered to me as the nurse fiddled around in the cabinets looking for the right medication to give Wings.

I opened my mouth, but words failed me for a long moment. Wings panicked eyes watched me as if gauging my reaction to what was going on. "No." I said with a soft reassuring smile, but I knew then it was a lie.

MacTavish had seen us.

)-(

Later that evening, I sat in the mess hall with Eve Riley. Eve was one of my oldest friends. She and I knew each other in high school, and she also introduced me to Ghost.

Eve was one of a kind. She was one of those old souls, who was wise for only being twenty-two years of age. She grew up with Simon and her oldest brother Tommy with their crazy father in Manchester. Eve managed to make it out relatively unharmed and even went as far as to say Ghost was the reason for this. After turning 18 Eve left home and quickly and with a little help from a strange man name Alex Mason, she was able to open up her inn.

She had long black hair which was usually tied back into a ponytail or even braided back depending on how she felt. It was rare to see it down, but not unheard of. She was wearing a long t-shirt that looked a little too big on her small frame, and a pair of jeans that had holes ripped in them from working. Eve was easy to get along with, and I couldn't think of anyone who didn't like her. She even had Shepherd wrapped, which still blew my mind as the man always seemed so angry.

Eve smiled at me as she swallowed down a bite of her food. "So… Gary. What brings you by so late?" She asked as her voice rang happily, letting her accent break through.

She was right. It was rather late, but I had skipped dinner to stay with Wings. I probably would have stayed there longer had the nurse not shooed me away claiming visiting hours where over.

"Eh? The food of course. Benny's the best cook around." I said and Eve laughed at this.

Benny gave me a thumbs up from behind the counter before disappearing in the back room. I turned back to her and asked quickly. "Why are you up so late?"

"Well… I missed my bus. Simon came to see me a few minutes before I was to leave. He was pretty down, but I think he will be okay." She said with a rather happy smile before taking another bite of her spaghetti.

I nodded slowly trying to think if Ghost had looked upset earlier when we had spoken, but came up with nothing. He had seemed fine.

She gave me a rather strange look. It wasn't curious or even knowing. She just looked at me with sadness in her face. I was going to ask about it, but she didn't seem like she would answer if I did.

"So… you save my friend earlier." I said trying to get the image of her eyes out of my head. "Ryan Stephens."

She smiled. "Oh yeah! Ryan. I like him. That boy is a keeper. He's as cute as a button, and he's got quite a charm. You are very lucky Gary."

I blushed my eyes bulging out of my head. Had it been that obvious? "Well y-yeah. How did you know...?"

She had a grin on her face, but the sadness in her eyes didn't pass. "Eh? If I gave away my sources how would I get all the good gossip?" She asked and then winked at me to let me know that everything was going to be fine.

There was silence between us for a long moment before she sighed setting her fork aside. "Can I tell you something important?"

I nodded my head slightly shocked that she had to ask, but she simply looked down at the table.

"When I was younger, I thought Simon hated me." She said as she folded her hands on the table. I scoffed at that and she chuckled knowingly. "I know. How could I possible think that when Simon and I are so close? Well he never says I love you. To anyone because he doesn't think he has the right to love anyone after what he has seen and done." She said looking up at me with a sad smile on her face. "I thought he hated me because of this. I quickly discovered that Simon loved me very much, but as I said before he doesn't think he deserves to love. So instead of saying I love you, he says, 'More than the universe.'."

"More than the universe, huh?" I nodded my head slowly, trying to figure out why she was telling me this.

Eve nodded her head, her pony tell bouncing as she did. "Yep, and it even takes him forever to say that. I would think that if he ever told someone that he loved them it would be for life, ya know?"

I nodded giving her a questioning look before placing my hands on the table to match hers. "Why are you telling me this, eh?"

She just smiled at me again before tossing her head back in laughter. "I just wanted to share the enigma that is Ghost Riley, eh?"

For the remained of the evening, we spoke of life back home. She told me about running the Inn where soldiers stayed while off duty. She talked about meeting a man named Elise and his two sons David, and Logan. She spoke of how she spent a lot of time with them as they helped her around the Inn.

Her eyes twinkled as she spoke of her adventures with the Walker brothers. "So David flips the lid down, and I come out and I'm like "What are you doing?" He had Riley stuffed in a large pot, said he ate all of the soup. Needless to say David paid for dinner that night. 200 hundred people, he paid for." She chuckled, and smiled fondly at the memory of the two. "Those lads are too funny."

"What about Logan?" I asked, grinning myself. The idea of seeing a full grown war dog shoved in a pot was oddly appealing.

Eve's smile changed into something different. A look came about her that was all her own. It was the kind of look that she gave Ghost when he did something she was fond of. She smiled rather softly and her hand went to her chest. "Oh Logan… He's one of the kindest people I've ever met. He's always fixing stuff that breaks and helping me cook. He is kind to everybody that stays at the Inn. He… he is nice." She sighed as if remembering an entire story she wasn't willing to share.

I grinned at her. "In love much?"

She playfully glared at me. "Oh hush!"

We giggled at each other before she suddenly yawned. "Oh goodness. Sorry, Gary, but it is well past my bed time. I'll see you tomorrow before I leave wont I?"

I nodded. "Of course!"

She stood up and walked away with a wave. "Goodnight Gary."

"Goodnight Eve."

)-(

I snuck back into the med bay around midnight. It was common knowledge that the night nurse slept though most of her shift, so sneaking past her and into Wings room had been easy. What I wasn't prepared for was Wings being awake.

I entered the room and his eyes went wide with surprise. He sat there shirtless of all things and his hair looked messy from sleeping. He was covered halfway with the white blanket, which made him look sickly. His burses and scrapes were nearly invisible as the TV illuminated him. It was clear by the way he was sitting in his bed that he hadn't been watching the TV, but rather the outside world through his window.

He twisted around to sit fully in his bed, his face resembling that of a child getting caught doing something they weren't suppose too. "Gary? What are you doing here? I swear I didn't get up. I just looked. Honest."

I chuckled at him and placed a hand to my lips to hush him. I walked over to sitting down in the chair I'd been sitting in earlier. "I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd stop by."

He smiled at me and took my hand in his. He muted the TV and turned to look at me again. He'd been crying. I could see it now that I was up close. Tears streaked his face like rain on a window. I watched him for a long moment, and I studied everything about his face.

"What's wrong?" I asked him softly and he blinked at me as if trying to figure out how I knew.

"N-nothing… I…" He sighed and looked down at his lap as if disappointed in himself. "I was just scared… That you might leave me."

It was my turn to blink at him. I wasn't sure where that had come from as I tried my best to give him everything I could. "What? Never."

His face shifted into what seemed like relief, but something danced behind his eyes. Something he wasn't say to me out load, and I wondered if I should press him on it. "It's just… Ghost… The way he looks at you… It makes me feel like there is more there you know?" He said as his face grew red. He continued to look at his lap as if afraid I might be cross with him.

I laughed at him, and kissed his hand. "You don't need to cry. There is nothing to be scared of. Ghost doesn't look at me that way."

He didn't seem entirely sure so I sighed pulling myself up out of the chair using his hand. He looked at me, confused of what I was doing. I nudged him over and slipped in to his bed next to him. I pulled him close to me, putting his head on my chest. "You are so silly Ryan. I love you remember."

He nodded his head and for a while we laid there in each other's arms. I felt myself drifting off ever so slightly, when Wings lifted his head up to face me.

"Gary…" He asked very quietly as if unsure if I was asleep or not.

"Hm." I said opening my eyes a little bit to see him bite his lip nervously.

"Will you kiss me again?" He asked as red brushed into his face. He averted his eyes to look at my chest.

I chuckled and placed a hand on the side of his face. "Yeah, Ryan, I'll kiss you again."

)-(

I'd kissed him slowly at first as he tried to find a position on the bed that accommodated his wounds. He ended up underneath of me squirming underneath of me as if he was the one with ADD. It was slow at first, and then it was soft light little kisses, which I was sure were his favorite. He had even commented that they felt like butterfly wings against his lips. His lips felt like soft down feathers that were ghosted over lips as if to tease them.

I kissed him again, this time on the tip of his nose, and the hollows of his cheeks. I kissed his cheek bones, and his eye lids along with every other available spot on his face and neck. He giggled when I kissed his neck and I couldn't help but smile at this. I continued to do this until he pulled back to look at me. He searched my face until finally he darted forward to my lips and kissed me as deep as he could. He tangled his fingers in my hair pulling me closer.

There were no words to describe what being with Wings was like. He was everything, and yet he was nothing. He was soft, but yet rough. Needy yet he shivered away from my touches. He was silent, yet so loud. He moved with a sort of easy grace, yet every movement was filled with just as much passion as the first.

I remember what it felt like to lay next to him, tangled together, as our sweaty and tired bodies found solace in each other. He rested his head on my chest and I held him closely as if afraid he would disappear.

Wings kissed my chest and smiled up at me with shiny eyes. "Gary, I want to stay this way, forever." He mumbled laying his head back down with a content sigh.

"I'd like that a lot." I said kissing the top of his head with a smile on my face. "Goodnight Ryan."

"Good night, Gary."

)-(

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	6. Sorry it is over

"Sorry it's over…"

Day: 223

Gary "Roach" Sanderson

Task Force 141

Unknown

"Sorry it's over…"

Day: 223

Gary "Roach" Sanderson

Task Force 141

Unknown

The metallic smell of blood came into my brain and the smell did little to comfort my already panicked heart. It was cold outside as we stepped through the trees, feeling the snow crunch bellow our boots. I felt the icy wind hit my face, and I found myself pulling my white balaclava over my face trying to find some kind of warmth. Our uniforms were thick, but nothing could possibly be prepared for Russian frost.

I glanced over at Ghost, who had remained quiet for some time. He was dressed in white, but his mask and sunglasses gave away his position. He seemed to be glancing away from me, but I had my suspicions about it. He held is rifle at attention as he followed behind the rest of our group.

Scarecrow, and Zach had joined us again, but neither of them seemed a joking or as playful as they had been months ago. Archer stood next to Zach, looking once again bored. He stood slightly ahead of Zach as if trying to protect him from anything that came his way. A few others had come along as well, like Meat who seemed relatively passive compared to his usual aggressive behavior.

I kept glancing at Ghost, who kept looking further away as if to keep from getting caught. I saw his eyes flicker to me every once in a while, and I knew then he wasn't telling me something.

I heard a click, and before I could even turn to process what was happening Ghost tackled me. "Hit the deck!" He yelled as the flashbang went off.

)-(

I woke up set up against a tree. My body shivered as the snow soaked my clothes. I began trying to remember what I read about hypothermia, but nothing came to mind as my head rang. I felt a sharp ache in my head from where I hit the ground, but other than that I seemed okay. I wondered how I got here, but I quickly put my money on Ghost dragging me over here for safety. I flipped my com on hearing only static.

With a sigh I heaved myself up, and felt a sharp tingle in my legs. I felt my head spin and I used the tree behind me to support myself. I would have to find my team and the best way to do that was to find evac.

I heard a snap and turned my head slowly to see a tango coming out of the woods. He was dressed in white gear that easily blended in with the snow. He was armed with a knife and his side arm. His helmet had been lost in his trek through the woods to reveal his dark hair and olive colored eyes. He scanned his eyes over me, and aimed down his site to shoot.

I closed my eyes thinking for certain that I was dead was sure. There was a loud gunshot erupted through the air, and when I felt nothing hit me I opened my eyes to see the man dead on the ground, and a strange woman standing his place.

She smiled wickedly at the man that laid before her, and I wasn't sure who she was or wear she came from. She'd saved me, but that didn't mean she was a friend. She looked out of place in a war zone, seeming almost angelic with her blond hair and shiny blue eyes. She looked haunted as if she'd seen things that would kill a normal man, and maybe she had. She turned to face me fully, and I noticed now that the girl had a long jagged scar across her face. It started from her left eye and trailed down over her lip and to her jaw line.

"Eh?" She said as if noticing me for the first time. "What are you? A bug?" She asked and I could make out the sound of a Russian accent peeking though.

I didn't say anything for a long moment, not really sure if she was a friend of foe. Eventually a came up with "T-thank you?"

She had the advantage with her gun, while mine stayed rested in the snow a few feet away. I felt the mood shift dramatically as she began to laugh, and she quickly glanced over my uniform, bringing her eyes to my task force insignia.

Her lips came up in a rather cruel smile, and I resisted the urge to shiver as it chilled my bones. "You, thanking me? Whatever for?" I opened my mouth to give her an answer, but she pulled her gun on me. "You are all in my way, Makarov won't like that." She shrugged as if taking my life was just another part of her day.

"Grab her!" MacTavish's voice echoed rather loudly as he nudged me out of the away.

The girl glared at him, but it was quickly replaced with a smile. "John, you were not supposed to find me yet. You are not very good at games."

MacTavish glared at her rather annoyed with the girl's nonchalant attitude. "Enough of your games. You are coming with us Sarah Kazkov. You've got the blood of over half my platoon on your hands."

Sarah raised a thin brow at him stretching her scare a little as she did so. Her smile stayed in place as she cocked her gun. "I've got more than your mens blood on my hands, Captain." She purred at him and he simply returned with a sharp glare, which caused her to sigh. "So this is the thanks I get for sparing the little rodent I found? You know the saying finders keepers? He is technically mine now." She said talking a step behind her, her gun still raised.

Scarecrow, who was normally carefree took a step forward. "Don't move bitch. We are taking you in."

Ghost made his way over to me rather timidly, and helped me stand. I felt my head spin again, and I fell forward slightly. He steady me quickly and handed me my rifle. His glasses must have been lost along the way as his grey eyes showed every emotion he was feeling right now. "You okay, Gary?" He whispered to me as he glanced over at Sarah every few seconds.

"I'm okay. I just woke up…" I explained pulling the strap of my rifle tighter around my shoulder.

He nodded, and glanced over at the rest of the team before leaning in rather close. "You had me worried for a little bit bug. I needed you to be okay." He whispered so only I could hear, and I was glad my mask hid my face. I was suddenly feeling warm.

"You need me?" I said a little shocked, and I watched him smile a little from under his mask.

"More than the universe, bug." He said turning his attention too MacTavish, who continued to bicker back and forth with Sarah.

"John. What a lonely life you have, ne?" She taunted pointing her gun up to a tree. "Here you are following me around when the other half of your men are probably bleeding out as we speak." She grinned at him and pulled her gun to his on her shoulder. "Do you like me that much?"

MacTavish went red with fury, and his eyes narrowed into thin saucers. "I'm going to give you five seconds to shut your mouth, before I put a bullet in that pretty little face of yours."

"Oh John!" She cried sounding more like a sexy moan then anguish. "I do love it when you talk dirty to me, but I'm afraid our fun has to end. My boss is a very pushy man, and if I fail him. Well… I'll have another pretty scar to add to the one you gave me."

MacTavish ignored her giving Toad the signal to cuff her, but as Toad approached her she smiled. "If you touch me you'll never find your men alive."

Sasha smiled as Toad stopped turning back to MacTavish slowly. "Sir?"

MacTavish let out an inhuman grown, and readjusted his rifle to aim at her directly. "Where are they?"

Sarah laughed at him as she darted a hand out to capture Toad in her grasp. He struggled for a moment, but froze when she put her gun to his head. "You are wasting time MacTavish. You know I'm not telling you a thing, until I have your word that I'll be left alone."

MacTavish glared at her but lowered his rifle a bit. "That's not going to happen."

She sighed but her eyes were filled with amusement. "Very well. You made me do this." She said before pulling the gun off of Toad and shooting Archer in the leg.

Zach let out a panicked cry and darted over to him. "Isaac!"

She shoved Toad away from her and he stumbled to MacTavish who caught him with ease. She pulled a flash bang from behind her and smiled at us. "See ya around John." She tossed it down, disappearing in the flash.

"Damnit." MacTavish growled as he recovered. He slammed his hand into a tree as Sarah's laughter echoed through the woods.

"There is still time John. I left them there at the factory." Her voice echoed before falling silent.

MacTavish leaned against the tree and I heard the sound of dog tags clink in his pocket. So many small dings rang, and I felt my stomach clench as I turned to Ghost. "Where is Wings?"

Ghost opened his mouth to answer, but no words came out. He just looked at me, hopelessness filled his eyes. He turned away from me. "We haven't seen them."

My fingers twitched, and my heart dropped. I couldn't hear sound anymore, but Ghost's mouth moved. I turned from him with Sarah's last words in my mind, and I ran.

"Roach! Sanderson, stop!" MacTavish yelled, but it fell on deaf ears as I darted through the trees.

MacTavish growled as he began barking orders at everyone. I could hear him through the com-link now. "I'll have him court marshaled for this, Riley."

Ghost replayed rather coolly and as if MacTavish knew he was right he growled. "You won't."

I heard MacTavish give the order to move out, having two men carry Archer. I didn't really care. I had to find Wings.

)-(

I stopped right outside the base, holding my gun ready. I was breathing heavy, but I did my best to hold my sight straight. The ground laid littered with bodies, but as I looked closer they weren't just bodies. They were friends.

Crain laid closest to me, his pale face had deep gashes in it as if someone had tried to cut into his head. He blood smeared around him, and I noticed his dog tags were in his hand as if he'd been forced to rip them off.

A few feet away laid Trojan, who was faced down, but I could see the blood that formed around him in a puddle. On his left hand his fingers had been removed and scattered around him. He was only the second to many, which were killed. Each man having gone through their own personal hell.

"Ryan…" I said barely above a whisper as I tried to catch my breath. "Ryan." I said feeling tears building up. "Ryan… are you there?"

"Gary…" I heard a small voice to my left and I darted over without hesitation.

He laid on his stomach as he dragged himself over to where he now sat. He reached out to me falling short. I threw my gun to the side as pulled him into my arms. He was covered in blood, and I found rather quickly that it was his. A knife lodged deep in his side. A trail of blood followed him, showing that he had dragged himself over to this spot. He was covered in blood, but he still smiled. He gave a smile that showed how tired he was. He coughed rather rough, and I watched as blood trickled down the side of his mouth.

"Ryan…" I said pulling him closer. "Ryan, you are going to be okay. Don't leave me. I-I love you."

"Gary… I'm so sorry. I love you…" He said and he squeezed my arm as if he was afraid, and then he went still.

"Ryan…" I said shaking him. "Ryan!" I screamed holding him close to me, letting my tears fall. "Ryan, don't leave me. I need you… I… Ryan!"

I think time froze in that moment. I pulled the knife from his hip and laid him down to rest. He looked peaceful, but the blood on his face gave away what looked like sleep. I pulled off my mask and used it to wipe his face clean.

I couldn't fathom anything, so I rested next to Wings. I waited for a long time. I kept thinking that this was going to be one of his jokes, and that he'd open his eyes any minute, and tell me he was fine. He didn't. Ryan didn't open his eyes, he didn't laugh. He just died.

)-(

I felt a tear fall down my face, but I quickly wiped it away before Dr. Reed could notice. I went to pull another cigarette from my carton, but quickly tossed it back in my pocket.

It stayed quiet between us for a very long moment, before Dr. Reed finally asked. "Are you okay?"

I nodded and collected myself before I finally said. "Do you know the moment in life where you feel happy? You are so happy that every bad dream you ever had, gets better. Where you feel so close to someone, and that bond is just ripped from you. The warmth you had was taken, and all that is left is the memory. A simple memory which will one day seem like a far off dream… My happiness shattered so easily, and it was all Makarov." I said, gritting my teeth at the thought of the Russian man. "One day he is going to have something that is so important to him, and I hope something takes it away from him. He doesn't deserve anything good. He deserves to be alone…"

Dr. Reed didn't say anything at first, but after a moment she replied with. "How did you get back?"

)-(

"Roach…" Ghost said shaking me a little, but I didn't respond to him. I stayed still as they bagged up his body. "Gary… are you okay?"

Ghost put his hands on my shoulders and shook me a little, but nothing happened. I just blinked at him unable to form any words.

Zach came over, after insuring that Archer was safe. He pulled out his flashlight and shined it in my eyes. "He's in shock." He said after a moment, and he put away the flashlight. "We need to get him out of here. He needs rest."

I sighed and for a long moment they just watched me as if waiting for me to speak. I said nothing, and Ghost pulled me to him. He tossed my arm over his shoulder and let me lean against him as he pulled me along.

Ghost nodded. "Everything is going to be fine, Gary. I've got you… You are going to be okay."

He kept telling me things like this. That I was okay, and that he was going to make it better. I didn't know how he could make my heart stop breaking. I didn't know how he planned on making my stomach stop aching or how I was he was going to make the world seem alright. I didn't know, but I let him tell me these things.

The ride back home was one of the most silent that I'd ever been on. It felt like hours, and yet the entire way back, Ghost sat beside me. He made the trip bearable, and gave me some sort of comfort. MacTavish tried to make arrangements for families to be called. I couldn't bare it. I sat down, but no tears came. Everything just ached and felt unbearable real.

Ghost came over to me, giving me a comforting hug. It was nice, and I wanted to thank him.

But it wasn't Ryan. All I wanted was Ryan.

)-(

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Don't forget to smile.

I had a really hard time writing this chapter, and at one point I cried because I attached myself to Wings. But here it is, after a super long wait. I'm really sorry about that! I hope you enjoyed. Have a lovely Day/Evening/Night.


	7. Dysphoria

"Dysphoria…"

Day: 227, 5:06 a.m.

Gary "Roach" Sanderson

Task Force 141

Unknown

I sat perfectly still for the first time in my life, and I think it scared Ghost, because he kept looking over to me as I walked slowly over to the casket. The funeral for Ryan Andrew Stephens, was held at 2:00 p.m. He had been surrounded by loved ones, and people he cared -he had cared- about. Everyone had been there. Everyone but me.

I couldn't go. I couldn't make myself go. I couldn't stand the watchful eyes of his family as they cried for a man, which had died in my arms. A man that I loved, yet couldn't protect.

So I waited for it to clear out. I waited until the only people around were me, Ghost, and the grave digger.

I could give you a speech about how I felt empty without him, and all that, but it wasn't true. To be honest. I was numb. Nothing seemed to faze me. Not Ghost walking with me to the casket. Not the rose that I held in my hand as it pricked my skin, and made me bleed. Not the soft voice of a woman speaking with MacTavish behind us. Nothing.

I stood there for a moment looking down at the casket that held Wings. I let a tear slip, and I held my hand over the grave, and let the rose fall in. I didn't hesitate after that.

I stepped back and walked back to the car. That was it. That was how I felt. I felt like nothing.

I was stopped by MacTavish, who made me listen to the woman beside him.

"Gary…?" She asked rather quietly, and I looked up at her. "I'm Jamie, Ryan's sister. I wanted to give you something." She said handing me a little plastic case.

I stared at the boxes and she continued on.

"They gave me these, even though I insisted that you should have me. This bunch are really stubborn." She said and gave me a smile that spoke of a mutual sadness. "I have all the things I need of Ryan right now, so there you go. I also left my e-mail. In case you need anything. Bye Gary." She said before waving at the rest of them, and leaving.

"She is awfully cheery." Ghost said to MacTavish as he grabbed my arm and began carting me away, to the car.

MacTavish shrugged. "Ryan wouldn't want her to be sad. Ryan wouldn't want any of us to be sad."

And with that we left the cemetery

)-(

I don't think I've ever heard MacTavish curse so much.

"Damnit! Roach you have to be careful." He said as he watched one of the many nurses wrap my hand.

He looked irritated in the face, but his eyes showed nothing but pity.

On the way into the building he noticed my hand bleeding, and carted me into the infirmary, yelling for Ghost to take care of practice.

I sort of just wanted to coast, but I wasn't discharged from training, only missions. It was dumb, I know, but I honestly didn't have it in me to fight it.

I felt sort of weird now. The way everyone was looking at me as they passed my room, it made me feel embarrassed. I didn't need their pity. I didn't need anything from them.

When my hand was done, MacTavish listened to the nurse as she prescribed some kind of disinfectant spray. When he was done he motioned for me to follow, and we made our way to the training pool.

It wasn't often that we used it, but when we did it was usually ended in a mess. A lot of the time we'd sneak in after curfew, and use it for fun. Today we practiced how to stay alive if capsized.

I wasn't dressed for training, but no one said anything as I stood on the edge of the pool. I looked at the bottom of the deep end, and contemplated weather or not I should go grab my armor.

I glanced behind me ever so slightly and watched as MacTavish and Ghost spoke back and forth, quietly. Whatever they were talking about, I was sure it was about me. I didn't want to hear it anymore.

I looked back to the pool and began contemplating the use of armor again when I heard a huddle of steps come up beside me.

Superman scowled at me as he crossed his arms over his armor clad chest. "You think you are special or something? Go get your arm on you git." He said roughly, and the remains of his group chuckled at this.

"Fuck off." I said softly not moving my eyes from the pool. This idiot wasn't going to bully me the way he had 'him'.

"Excuse me?" Superman asked me, as his cronies began to glance around nervously at each other.

My eyes met that of Archer, who stood across the pool with Toad. He picked up on the danger and eyed the group of men curiously. His look screamed for me to keep my mouth shut, but it was too late.

"I said," I began looking over at the man my soft accented voice gone. "Fuck off." What happened next was unexpected, as Superman shoved me into the water. My head made contact with the later, and I felt myself losing consciousness.

It was the strangest thing. It was as if the world around me slowed, and the only thing I could hear was muffled cries, and gun fire, and then all at once it was silent. Through half-closed eyes I could see a distorted figure floating above me.

He had brown hair that swayed back and forth in the water. He wasn't tall but he had wide shoulders, and long legs. His hair was fluffy, and his dark blue eyes shined down at me as he reached his hand out to me.

_Don't let go _

He spoke, but his lips didn't move. I reached up to grab his hand, and as I did I felt myself growing more tired. The image of Wings drew me in closer, and closer until a black blur erased the image.

Ghost began pulling me from the water, but I didn't matter. I let the water take me.

)-(

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	8. I can't leave him

"I can't leave him…"

Day: 231, 5:06 p.m.

Gary "Roach" Sanderson

Task Force 141

Unknown

The room began to spin the moment my eyes opened. The lights were far too bright, and the pillow I laid on was stiff, and felt as if it had been untouched by a head in far too long. I felt weighed down, and everything was heavy. My left hand felt sweaty, and when I glanced down I saw that it was occupied by another hand.

I traced that hand back to Ghost, who rested quietly next to me. He had somehow managed to fall asleep in one of the stiff recliners placed in the infirmary. His head rested against the back of it, and I watched as he snored ever so slightly. His mask, and sunglasses laid next to one another on the side table. I quickly noticed the book that rested next to them, and I felt my chest tighten.

"_East of Eden_." Said a strong Irish accent from the door, and when I flipped around I noticed MacTavish leaning against the door frame of my room.

I blinked at him, squinting my eyes. "Captain..?" I asked trying to make out something other than a blur.

MacTavish chuckled softly, and flipped the light switch off. He stepped into the room, and took notice of the scene that laid out before him. He smiled sadly before looking back up at me. "He's read it too you the whole time you've been out." He said softly as if afraid to wake the sleeping man.

I looked over at Ghost, who twitched his nose slightly before falling still again. "He read to me…?" I asked and MacTavish nodded once again the movement looking sad.

"Yeah. Insisted he read it too you. Said you couldn't read it without him." He said as he waved a hand in the air, a smile across his face. "Something about a short attention span."

I felt my face heat up a little, and I quickly averted my eyes from him. "He read to me…" I whispered softly, and let the words sink in. "How long have I been out?"

MacTavish paused for a short moment to look at his watch to check the date. "About four days. Ghost has practically moved into this room huh?" He said with a sad chuckle before gesturing to the bags, and a laptop that sat over on the little table.

I stared at the bags for a long moment, and then I turned my gaze to MacTavish really slowly. His eyes didn't seem angry, and they weren't filled with pity. He just stood there with a smile in his eyes.

He pressed his lips together as if trying to stop from smiling. "I thought I'd come by and see how you are. The nurse said you'd wake up sometime today. I figured Ghost would be up for it."

My gaze fell to Ghost, and I felt something inside of me lift for a moment. "I have a feeling he needs to sleep. Ghost has always been one to try and pull all-nighters." I squeezed his hand in mine, and MacTavish smiled at me.

"That he does." He agreed and then the smile fell from his eyes. "I hate to do this to you lad, but I need to talk with you about something."

I swallowed hard, and nodded my head for him to continue.

"It's been decided that you need to have a psych evaluation. After the pool incident there has been some question on whether or not you should be taken off active duty." He said everything slowly, and I felt my free hand curl into a fist. "I tried to tell them you were fine, but Superman has a hard time keeping his mouth shut. Ghost wanted to be the one to tell you, but I figured I'd let you be mad at me." He smiled, and I gapped at him.

"I couldn't possibly be mad with you!" I said my eyes widening, and I felt the tension leave my body. "You've done nothing, but look out for me. You even tried to get me out of my evaluation…" I said averting my eyes to look at my hand. I felt hot all of the sudden.

MacTavish chuckled again, but this time it felt real. "It wasn't me lad. Ghost asked me to."

I looked over at Ghost startled. The man was still asleep, but I felt my face turn a tomato red. "He… He asked you to..?"

MacTavish smiled at me, and I gave him a quick glance before looking back over at Ghost. "Yeah. I think you and him should have a long conversation Roach. Maybe he can shine some light on a few things yeah?" MacTavish smiled before glancing down at his watch. "Well I've got to get going. I've got training in a few. Get to feeling better, yeah?"

I nodded, and rested my head against my pillow as MacTavish walked away only to pause in the door way. He turned back for a moment before saying. "And Roach? It's okay to cry."

I rested my eyes on Ghost as MacTavish left, and I watched the man sleep rather soundly for a long moment before closing my eyes to follow his lead. I didn't take my hand from his. It was really comforting to be honest.

)-(

Eve came to visit about four days later, and I assumed Ghost had something to do with it. She came in wearing a pretty white dress, and her black hair was tied behind her in a loose ponytail that her bangs escaped form. She came in flushed with a smile on her face as if she'd been chased into the room

Behind her came the culprit with his brown hair, and his bright green eyes that reminded me of the grass back home. He wore a black t-shirt, and a pair of cargo pants with boots on. He had a tattoo on his arm that revealed that he'd done service preciously in some form. His grin was crazy as Eve rushed over to Simon, interrupting him as he reading.

"Come back here Evie-boo! I didn't know you were ticklish!" The brunette said with a grin the size of Texas on his face.

"David. I mean it stop! It isn't funny!" She said, but the grin revealed the lie before it even left her lips.

I looked at the two before turning my eyes on Ghost who did the same before sharing a look with me. "Um… Hi." I said softly and Eve blinked as if she noticed where she was at.

"Hi!" She chirped at me, and rushed over to me giving me a big hug. "Oh Gary! I was so worried. Simon called and told me everything, and the moment I heard I started packing."

I glanced at the green eyed man in the room and cleared my throat nervously before turning back to her. "Oh. I figured as much."

Eve smiled and plopped down on Ghost's lap, ignoring the protest she received from the man. She held her hand out as if finally acknowledging the unknown man in the room. "Gary, Simon this is David Walker. He's a friend who helps me run the inn."

I ran my eyes over the man rather quickly before I recalled our conversation. I gasped in realization. "You mean the brother of that guy you like so much!"

Ghost perked up at that, and readjusted himself to look at Eve. She blushed looking down at her lap, and David began to laugh heavily. "What guy?" Ghost said his voice sounded rather over protective before he looked at David. "What guy? What brother? I'm gone for two years and already you found some guy?"

Eve sighed and stood up rather flushed. "I'm not talking about it here."

David stopped laughing only to toss an arm over her shoulder. "I totally called it. Don't you remember? The bonfire!"

Ghost glared at Eve, who kept looking at the ground her face only deepening in color. "Eve Renee Riley, what guy?"

I stared at everyone rather shocked at everything that was taking place. Eve didn't tell Ghost something? That was unheard of seeing as the two were completely inseparable. She had told me before she told Ghost, and all at once I felt laughter burst from my mouth.

It was wild and uncontrolled. I probably sounded crazy, but I couldn't help laugh at it. I felt something in my chest sort of release itself, and all at once tears began to spill over my face. I didn't fell perfect, but I felt okay.

The Riley siblings looked at me rather worriedly, and I heard Eve say softly. "I think we broke Gary."

I wiped a tear from my face, but more followed suit. I felt happiness, and then I was sad. As if everything came rushing back to me, but the smile stayed glued on my face. I was fearful because I didn't want anyone to leave, but I hated them all for staying. I felt tears roll down my face as I broke down crying and laughing.

Eve acted first as she rushed over to hug me. I accepted the hug, and cried on her shoulder. "I can't do it… I can't do it… He's gone, a-and I'm here. H-he's gone, E-eve." I cried, and I wasn't even sure if any of it was legible, but she nodded her head anyway.

"It's okay Gary. It's okay." She said softly, and I couldn't even feel embarrassed for crying in front of a stranger.

I just felt hopeless, but with each tear drop I felt a little better. MacTavish's words ran through my head. _"And Roach? It's okay to cry."_ It was okay, and so I did.

Ghost coughed rather nervously, and Eve waved a hand at him as if giving him permission to leave. Ghost and offered to show David around in exchange for information on his sisters new boyfriend, which David happily agreed too. The two wondered out of the room, and I clinched Eve's dress in my hands as I hugged her back.

"Oh Gary…" She said softly letting a soft smile come across her face. "It's okay to cry." She said holding me tighter, and for the first time in a long time, I felt okay.

)-(

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	9. Monsters and

"Monsters and…"

Day: 473, 10:36 p.m.

Gary "Roach" Sanderson

Task Force 141

Unknown

The smell of fire flooded my nostrils, and when I noticed the campfire in front of me I felt rather confused. I was out in my grandparent's backyard and I quickly recognized that I was six years old, camping with my mother again. The fire was warm and I sat as close to it as possible because the night air around me was cold. My mother and I had never been rich, and after she left my father money only became more of an issue. We were forced to move in with my grandparents, who welcomed us with open arms. My mother took a job as a waitress, but she always made time for me. Some nights she would take me out back and have my grandpa set up a fire and tents out back. We would stay up all night as she told me about the stars. I was never one to sit still, but I remembered being so enamored with the stories that it only took me a few minutes before falling asleep. This was perfect as I watched my mother's mouth move as she told me another story.

I kept my eyes trained on the fire as if scared it would go out, and I would be left in the dark. The more I looked at it the more I realized it was indeed getting smaller and smaller, but I made no move to help it stay alive. I tried my best to focus on my mother's words but the more the fire dimmed the harder it was to hear her. I still made no move to keep it going, and all at once I was left alone in the dark.

Cold set into my skin, and I shivered. "Mom?" I said completely unable to hear her now. I turned to look at her, and she looked just as soft and inviting as she always did. She opened her arms to me as if offering to keep me warm.

I reached out to hear but the closer I got the further away she seemed to get. She kept on smiling at me and I tried my best to reach her. "Mom? Don't leave me…" I said trying to catch her before she disappeared before me.

I was alone now. The darkness was thick and I couldn't make out the shape of anything. Almost like I was trapped within an empty pitch black room. I called out to my mum but the only thing that replied back was my echo. I felt tears began to flow from my eyes, and brought my tiny hands to my face letting the tears roll down.

There was a shuffle from behind me as if someone was walking toward me. I turned around slowly to see a very familiar smile greet me. The man was tall and very lean as he ran a tan hand through his brown hair, which was messy and looked unkempt. He had a smile in his deep blue eyes as he walked over to me very slowly.

He squatted down to my level and looked at me rather exasperated. "Eh? You lost?"

I nodded my head, and rubbed my tears from my eyes. "I'm scared. I can't find my mom."

He looked at me for a long moment, but cheerful smile came across his face. "You don't need your mom anymore, Gary. It's okay."

I looked up at him, reaching a hand to touch him, and he let me. "Wing's?"

He smiled at me, and I felt relief fill me. I touched his face, letting my eyes close feeling at ease. I stayed like that for a long moment. I swallowed finally getting the nerve to say something to him. I opened my eyes and began to speak. "Wings I-"

He was covered in blood, and everything grew too bright. He was laying in the snow now, and he was bleeding out. I franticly pressed my hands to his hip trying to keep the blood in as he gapped at me.

"Gary... Save me…" He said and I began trying to tear my shit, but by the time I did he was dead.

His deep blue eyes turned dull and lifeless and I put both of my hands on his face frantic. "Wings… No…" I said letting a tears slide down my face as I brought him closer to me. I was covered in his blood as shook him slightly. "Wings… No… No… Please wake up…" I whispered out trying my best to make him come back to me. He was gone, and I began to cry harder. "No don't leave me!" I screamed and he shot up his eyes no longer smiling.

He grinned at me rather darkly before placing his hands on my throat. "It's all your fault Gary! It's all your faul-"

I sat up in my bed room, my breath erratic, and my eyes wide in terror. Ghost sat beside me his hands on my shoulders as he woke me up. I felt tears fall down my face, and Ghost pulled me closer to him in some sort of hug. "It's okay Gary. It's okay. It was a bad dream. You are okay."

)-(

Ghost laid down on my bed, holding me in his arms as I cried. It had been almost a year since I lost Wings, and yet it felt as if it happened yesterday. Ghost held me quietly as I sniffed trying to control myself. He didn't say anything, and just let me lay there for what felt like forever. His mask had and sunglasses had been tossed aside on the floor along with my medication for sleep. He had chided me on not taking it, but it had been halfhearted.

I glanced around my new room as if trying to make sure it was real. I had been moved to the new wings as a favor from MacTavish, who refused to make me stay in the same room. Everything was newer in this room, and the walls were white and colorless all except the left wall which had a pictures that Ghost had drawn for me. I sniffed again and Ghost just rubbed my back soothingly as he rested his head against the head wall behind my bed.

I wiped my eyes only to discover that the tears were no longer flowing, but I didn't move. Ghost was warm, and I could hear his heartbeat. I ignored the feeling that grew in my chest, fearing it more than anything.

The only noise in my room was my sniffing, and the sound of Ghost's hand on my back as he rubbed soothing circles. I looked up at him curiously and he seemed to catch on.

"You okay?" He asked me and I nodded as he sat up tossing his legs over the side of my bed.

I followed his lead and sat next to him letting our shoulders touch. It was warm and gave me a form of comfort. "Ghost… How did you know…?" I asked after a moment and Ghost looked away as red spread in his face.

"I thought I'd come by and check on you. I figured you would forget to take you medicine after having to talk with Dr. Reed. I heard she gave you good news."

I nodded my head slowly and glanced at him out of the corner of my eyes. "Yeah… She told me I would be able get off desk duty soon. She said I would just have to pass my next evaluation with flying colors. I failed the last one with one of the worst scores possible last month, but she seemed hopeful."

Ghost nodded and turned his head to face me. He gave me a small smile before putting a supportive hand on my leg. "I know you can do it! I believe in you."

I looked at him and smiled back but it was small. The dream was still there in my mind, replaying itself over and over again.

Ghost stood up suddenly and my eyes followed him. He looked rather unsettled as he began to pace back and forth. I had never seen Ghost look so shaken, and I wondered if I had done something to upset him.

"Ghost… Are you okay? Did I do something wrong?" I asked after a long moment and he stopped pacing to look at me.

"What? No. Of course not. It's me." He said before sighing as if trying to resolve some sort of internal issue. He closed his eyes and his face showed something I hadn't seen in a long time; despair.

He looked so venerable, as he stood before me in rare form. I got a good look at him for the first time that night, and what I saw was the most prefect being ever. His eyes were closed but I could almost picture the soft grey orbs straining behind eyelids. His brown hair was tossed about and he ran his fingers through it with each deep breath he took. He was perfect, why had I not seen it sooner?

I looked over at the wall covered in pictures and the first one I saw was that stupid picture he's drawn from a year ago. The roach looked confused still, and the chibi Ghost smiled happily as he held his hand anyway. It was perfect, and yet…

I stood up and Ghost's eyes flashed open watching me wearily. I grabbed his face in my hands and pulled his face to mine in one of the softest kisses I'd ever had. His lips where soft and felt untouched. I had always imagined them to be chapped as he was always biting his lips. He felt my fingers weave in to his messy brown locks, which revealed to be rather soft and fluffy.

When I pulled away, I kept my eyes closed. I let what happened set in, and I felt my face heat up. I just kissed my best friend, and he didn't make a move to kiss me back. The room was silent, and the only noise that could be heard was our breathing.

I swallowed roughly, and let go of his face before backing away slowly. I felt my chest tighten into what was commonly referred to as a panic attack. I didn't dare look at him. "I-I'm so sorry." I said before turning and running from my room.

)-(

I was quiet as I finished my story. Dr. Reed didn't say anything as I flipped the flame of my lighter off and on. I was hoping this wouldn't go down as my evaluation, but at this point maybe discharge was the best choice for me. I could go home to my mother and pretend that none of this every happened.

I knew it was silly to think about, but I kept replaying the scenario in my head as if hoping that her next words would be her discharging me.

She cleared her throat and looked at me with a curious face. "What are you going to do?"

I scoffed at her, and gave a shrug. "I'll probably ask for a transfer or maybe I'll get discharged. Then it won't matter."

I turned to her to find that she was glaring at me. She looked angry, and without any warning she took her small hand and smacked the lighter out from my grasp. It fell off of the balcony and down to the gravel below us. She used her left hand grab my shirt sleeve.

She took a deep breath before finally saying. "You are an idiot. Don't you get it yet? You have people around you that care about you. Lieutenant Ghost is in love with you. Has been since the dawn of time probably, and all you can do is run from him. From all of them." Her eyes flashed dangerously, and I was trying recognize the woman in front of me. "Stop running from everything and just face it. You can sit out here all alone, or you can go inside and admit that it's okay to cry, and that it's okay to love. That people will come and go, but they will always remain! Bad things happen to good people, but that doesn't stop people from living their lives." She said before he face softened and then she sighed again before taking her umbrella and coat, marching inside the building.

I looked after her, completely startled by her outburst. I'd never seen her break like that. I didn't even know she could yell. I stared after her as her words soft of sunk in.

My eyes widened and ran inside with only one thing on my mind. I had to find Ghost.

)-(

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	10. Common Mistake

"Common Mistake…"

Day: 473, 3:36 a.m.

Gary "Roach" Sanderson

Task Force 141

Unknown

When I found him, he was in the mess hall on his phone. I hung back letting my previous adrenalin die down, until I was so nervous my palms sweat. He was perfect even still, his mask completely forgotten in my room, and his sunglasses along with it. It occurred to me how tired I was He rubbed a hand over his tired face as he bickered with the other person on the phone.

"No. He kissed me, Eve. I didn't attack him or something. I love him..?" He asked questioningly, but I could see that it was terrorizing him to say this out loud. He rolled his eyes suddenly, and looked slightly annoyed. "I would never want to hurt hi- No! He didn't say why. He just took off, and now I'm freaking out. What is wrong with me?"

I watched him carefully as I crept forward slowly. How could I have not seen it? He was always there. He had saved my ass countless times, and not just in the line of fire. He was my source of comfort and always put me at ease. He was the one that held me even when I fought him to leave, and even now… He sat there thinking that something was wrong with him. What had I done to him? I couldn't imagine what he had been feeling, or how hard it must have been for him to keep it to himself.

I had a scenario in my head. I would clear my throat and he would end his call. We would talk things out, and from there we would see how things went. It was perfect, it was smooth, and it was… ruined as I stepped on my soggy pant leg hitting the floor with a loud thud. I kept my face rested on the floor as red spread across my face. I was completely embarrassed and I was trying to gather some form of dignity. I didn't lift my head to look at him and I think it scared him as he said a quick 'got to go' into the phone before closing it and tossing it to the side.

He walked over to me and I could hear his soft chuckle. He crouched down to help pull me up on my knees so I could see his face as he smiled at me. "You okay there? Wasn't expecting you to drop in." He chuckled as both of his hands helped steady me, but I could tell he was slowly losing his cool once again.

He looked away from me, and once he had steadied me he began to pull away. I panicked and grabbed on to his sleeve holding him still. His face went red, and he looked away, but I stopped him from leaving. "Don't go."

He paused looking at me rather awkwardly as the blush deepened on his face. "I'd never leave you…." He cleared his throat and I watched him swallow rather roughly. "I want to apologize for what I did earlier. I shouldn't have done that, and I am very sorry for having put you in that position. I only hope that you can for-"

"Shut up." I said and he turned his grey eyes to me, just as startled as I was about my sudden outburst. "I don't want an apology for something that I did. I kissed you, and I'm not sorry about it. I'd like to kiss you every day if that is okay with you."

He was quiet for a really long moment and when he finally looked at me I could see that he was trying to catch his breath. "Gary please don't... I don't want you to force yourself to think of me that wa-"

"Didn't I say to shut up? Ghost… Simon just stop talking for a moment. I just learned something fundamental outside. It's okay to cry." I said so fast that I had to take a deep breath when I was done.

He gave me a curious look, and flopped back on his butt making no move to leave. "What?"

"It's okay to cry, and it is okay to love. I thought after I lost Ryan that everything pointed to me being alone." I closed my eyes as I said his name, but I smiled all the same. "But I think… I think I'll be okay. I think I get it now. I think I like you a lot, but I was scared to get close to you. I didn't want you to leave. But it's okay because what Dr. Reed said made sense; 'People will come and go, but they will always remain'. I think that Ryan will always be here, and I think that it's oka-"

"Gary… Shut up." Ghost said to me and I quickly obeyed seeing that I had started rambling once again. I have to stop doing that Ghost might think its weird or maybe he gets annoyed by that kind of thing. I have to-

He nudged me with his foot and I gazed up at him rather happily. He was still blushing, but he said really softly. "Gary… please don't… don't try and make me feel better. It's okay if you don't-"

I darted forward grabbing his face in my hands. I placed a kiss on his nose, and along his cheek bones. "Shut up you idiot. Don't you hear what I've been sayin'?" I asked letting my accent return to me, and I swallowed as it tasted kind of bitter, but I kept on going. "I want to be with you! So stop it. It's okay to love." I said softly as I looked him in the eye. "You are allowed to love Simon."

He looked at me in what looked like a glare, but it was so pitiful that I wouldn't really consider it that. He didn't eve sound angry only hopeful. "What did you say?"

"I said it's okay to love. I want you to love me, please?" I asked and he continued to look at me with grey unchanging eyes.

I was afraid he wasn't going to say anything as he stared at me blankly. I was trying to think of something to say. I didn't want to sound stupid or even pushy, but his silence was killing me. It felt like my heart might come out of my chest and shoot across the room.

He pulled away from me to lean on the back of the couch, but he made no move to leave. I sighed and let myself fall on his chest with a rather loud thump. He seemed a little surprised, but I rested against his chest anyway. He had both of his hands rested on his knees, and I glanced up to see his grey eyes studying me. After a moment he sighed and closed his eyes as I reached up ghosting my fingertips over his jaw line. "I don't... I don't think I can... Everyone. Everyone leaves when I love them."

"I wont leave you. I know everyone says that, but I swear to you. I mean it." I said holding his face in my hands so he couldn't look away from me. "I'm staying right here, until you say you'll love me. I won't leave because... I think I love you too..." I said feeling my face turn a new shade of red, but I didn't look away from him.

He watched me again before leaning down and kissing me rather softly on the forehead. He seemed a little unnerved, and I could feel his heart beating in his chest. I knew my was too, but I refused to focus on myself right now.

"Gary... I think... I'd love to... love you..." He said, his eyes squeezed close as he said it, and my heart fluttered for a second. I thought it had stopped beating all together, but I continued to breathe.

I sighed in relief and kissed him again. It was soft as it was the first time, but this time I felt his lips kiss me in return. He was warm and he smelt of cigarettes and coffee which I was beginning to think was what this man bled. He was intoxicating on his own, he always had been, and kissing him was just as bad, if not worse. I felt his arms close around me, pulling me closer to him. I was afraid to close my eyes, but I let them fall shut anyway. I didn't want to wake up and see it was all a dream. I didn't want this to not be real. It is a common mistake, and everyone makes it. I could feel the air in my lungs diminishing quickly, but I didn't want to stop. He pulled back and took a deep breath before planting quicker kisses against my face. He put his hands against my face as if holding me there, afraid that he would wake up and I would be gone. We were the same.

There was a shuffle from beside up, and we broke apart quickly. We turned around to see MacTavish sitting there with his arms across his chest, looking rather annoyed. He was dressed in his night clothes and had clearly been awoken brashly. He was accompanied by a smiling Dr. Reed, who seemed to not really notice the Captains annoyance, or rather she didn't care.

"You woke me up to show me that my lieutenant and his man crush are making out on the mess hall floor. Woman you do realize that I work in two hours? Could this not have waited?" MacTavish said gruffly as he rubbed a hand over his face trying to wake up, he shot a glare at me and Simon and we both looked away with a nervous chuckle.

Dr. Reed smiled at me before placing a soft hand on MacTavish's arm. "But John. I wanted you to see that your friends were okay. Besides, now Ghost won't take up your lunch telling you the good news. I saved you time."

MacTavish grumbled something, and I watched as Dr. Reed quickly punched him in the stomach. She turned to me and Ghost the smile still in place. "Sorry to interrupt but I figured you would like to know that the security cameras can see you. Figured you'd want your privacy."

MacTavish glared over at her but she didn't seem to notice, once again looking rather happily over at us. "What was that for? All I said was 'you could have asked to eat lunch with me, Jackie."

She turned to him and looked rather exasperated as a glare of her own formed. "Honestly John? You should know better than to call me Jackie. It is Jacquelyn. You seem to say it often enough when we are-"

"Alright. I get it." He huffed at her but I could see the smile that formed on his face. He really liked it when she teased him. What the hell is going on? Is my doctor flirting with my Captain? "You didn't have to hit so hard, Jacquelyn." He said putting infancy in her name.

Dr. Reed smiled at him but her smile was more bright and awake. "If I didn't hit you so hard, you would think I was trying to tickle you again." She gave a soft chuckle and turned to me. "I wanted to apologize for earlier. I didn't mean to sound so harsh, or even cruel. I really hope that you ca-"

I held up a hand to cut her off. I thought for a really long time on my next sentence. There was so much that was running through my head and I wasn't sure where to start. I felt Ghost grabbed my hand and I found myself smiling to myself. Everything was going to be okay. Everything was going to be just fine and-

"Is MacTavish your boyfriend?" I said rather startled in the realization that the names matched up. She had mentioned earlier that she had a boyfriend named John.

They looked at each other before their eyes darted away quickly, red covering their faces.

I was going to be just fine. I could feel it.

)-(

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	11. The End

"The End…"

Day: 1, 10:26 a.m.

Eve "Miss" Riley

Weaver Inn

Alaska

I felt the cool breeze brush over me as I looked at the letter in my hand. I smiled at the letter, and looked over to see David chopping wood with Logan behind him in tow. I settled myself at the base of a big tree in the back yard as I watched to two bicker back and forth about who could cut wood fast. Well, David bickered, Logan just silently listened, which only infuriated his brother. I glanced down at letter, and opened it quickly to read its contents, while the two men were distracted.

I was about to read when I heard a twig snap and the shuffling of feet come over. I sighed as the two men noticed my disappearance rather quickly, and came to investigate. I looked over to see David nudge me with his finger. "Watcha doing Evie?" He asked me and I turned back to the letter as Logan plopped down beside me.

I sighed at him, but smiled all the same as he squatted down next to see the letter. "I got a letter from my brother, and Gary."

"Oh? How are they? The last time we went to visit things where pretty crazy." David said rather happily, and then he turned to Logan. "Eve's brother says he's going to kick your ass if you touch his sister."

Logan rolled his green eyes, and ran his hand through his messy blonde hair. They were both sweaty from working, and I almost felt bad for asking them to cut the wood in the first place. I say almost because David was the one who ruined the central heating, and was more or less responsible for keeping us all from freezing. Though right now the winter winds weren't so bad.

I thought for a long moment about the trip to see Simon and Gary. It had only been a year ago and yet it seemed like everything was fairly okay. I knew Logan was a little sore about the whole thing. He'd wanted to meet my brother and tell him in person, but as it turns out I needed him here to run the Inn. I couldn't trust David to not destroy it so I'd pulled David along with me as a way of helping Logan out. The more I thought about it the more I decided that it had been a good idea to take David with me. He might have sold his brother out to Simon, but he had managed to make the whole three days they'd stayed the most entertaining.

Logan seemed less annoyed by it now than he had, but whenever the thought came up he got an almost scary look graced upon his face, like he did right now. He glanced at the letter and gestured for me to read it to them. I turned to him rather confused at his sudden interest in the subject of my brother and best friend. He gave a small smile and said softly. "If they are important to you, they are important to me."

I turned my eyes back to the forgotten letter and smiled at this. "Alright. Let's see. It says; _Dear Eve, I want to start out by saying that it is Gary who is writing this. Simon keeps sticking me with the letters. He claims he has no spare time, but I know better than that. It takes about five minutes to write a simple 'hey! We are alive.', but he never listens to me, so I guess nothing has changed there. I think I'm going to strangle him if he does it one more time. That aside I wanted to tell you that everything is good here. We've both been really busy. Your brother is trying his best, and he's pretty good at his job. I'm proud to say that I've managed to get him to at least sleep for five minutes before pulling another all-nighter. So add another minute to our last time. We are making some pretty good progress, and before you can even worry about it, we spend at least one day a week together. So don't worry about your brother not getting to annoy me. He somehow finds a way even when he's not hear. For instance, right now as I'm trying to write this letter, your brother is trying to find new ways to test my patience. He's got one of those stupid sticky hands and keeps hitting my ass with it. Has he always been this annoying, or is it because I view him now as my boyfriend instead of a friend? Either way call him and scold him. He's driving me crazy. I still love him though... crap. I'm rambling again. Sorry._

_We got a new member to the task force! His name is Joseph Allen, and he is from New York City. He's not nearly as funny as Wing's, but he as his moments. He's a bit strange and he has a funny accent, but he's okay. I think he is playing on our team, but Simon seems to think that I'm wrong. I think Simon is dumb, but in the end it doesn't really matter. Maybe it's because he's American, it's kind of hard to tell. We only got to see him for a month though, and I can't really go into too much detail, but let's just say he was sent out on a mission. I hope he's okay. I'm sure he will be fine. What's the worst that could happen, yeah?_

_I went to see Wing's the other day as it was his birthday. Simon went with me, and to be honest it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I was able to go this time without a single tear. Pretty cool right? Simon was really happy about it, but I'm not sure why. Maybe he is happy that I wasn't sad, or maybe he's happy because he feels like he's competing with him? Can't really tell with the enigma that is your brother. He took me out for ice cream, which in hindsight was probably a bad idea because- eh... never mind. That was almost bad. Sorry again. Did you know Wing's sister is a Sniper? She sent in a request to join the Task Force, but with all the stuff that has been going on around here she will probably be waiting a while._

_Oh hey! While I'm thinking about it, MacTavish told me to say hi. He stopped me in the hall and asked if we are all still going to the Inn for Christmas. He looked kind of excited, but when I asked him, he said he just needed a break. I think secretly he wants alone time with Jacquelyn. Do you remember her? She was my doctor a while back. Well she still is. I have to go to her every once in a while. I guess the government wants to make sure I don't snap. It's okay though. She's a lot nicer than I expected her to be. Though I fully see now why MacTavish likes her so much. She is fiery, and can handle her own in a fist fight. She reminds me a lot of you a lot, but I think you're a little nicer. Eh... I hope she never sees this. She might send MacTavish to kill me in my sleep. Oh man... They are quiet the power couple, those too. I watched Scarecrow make the mistake of hitting on Jacquelyn, while MacTavish was around. I didn't know MacTavish could brawl like that. They of course made up and everything is fine, but the men are really cautious around her now._

_How's everything on your end? Are you and Logan doing okay? Did David ever find out where Riley hid the remote? I guess you'll tell me when you write back. Well I got to go! Ghost is breathing down my neck again._

_Yours Truly,_

_Gary Sanderson_

_Simon Riley_

_P.s Ghost was here -_

I chuckled at the letter and Logan glanced up at me curiously. "They are happy." He said confirming this out loud as if he couldn't quite believe it.

I nodded my head at him and with the letter out of my mind. I glanced around the yard as something was missing from this scene. David noticed this and poked my face again. "What's wrong?"

"I'm not really sure. Are we missing someone...?" I asked him and then a sense of dread came over me. "David. Where is Riley?"

David smiled at him, but with each word he said to quickly faded. "I left him inside so he wouldn't... get... in the way... Oh shit!"

David rushed inside and I called after him. "I swear! If he ate dinner I'm going to stick you on kitchen duty!"

Logan chuckled at this, and as soon as his brother disappeared into the house, he placed a soft kiss to my lips. He stood up and went back over to his wood pile and began cutting more wood. I smiled after him, and watched as Riley darted out of the house with David chasing after him.

)-FIN-(


End file.
